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[29 Jul 2007|08:08am] |
I've been babysitting since five am, and im fucking exhausted. Nobody is on msn, or myspace, so I decided that I would come here and write some stuff since I have nothing better to do. Its nice to get on the internet, I currently have no internet or phone at my house so I've lost contact with the world for the past little while. Its been interesting, me and my ceiling have become good friends.
Life lately has been pretty good. It seems like I have everything that i need, but there's still stuff i would like to have in it which leaves me with something to strive for. This summer is turning out to be more than what I had origionally anticipated. I knew it was going to be good, but in what ways I had no clue. Life fufilled its promise of suprising me thats for sure. When I'm left alone with only myself as a means of entertainment, I sit back and I think. Deep breathe in, and a giggled exhale, everything seems so surreal. Its the times like this that mean more than anything in the world. When you sit, and marvel at everything thats occuring in your life and as you recollect it, its rushing through your mind like your seeing your life in the big screen. I've found something that I've been searching for for the past few years, this comfortable and content place in my life, this constant, the feeling that for once you have purpose, and for once you dont have to think, and a realization that everything really is okay. I finally feel at home with myself, and my surroundings.
I've been getting these burts of creative thought, where I randomly come up with an amazing storyline that I would love to begin writing, but I havent really had the time lately. I'm not even sure of the last time I've actually completed something and its quite sad. I'm hoping soon I slip into that mood on an off day and I can just spend the day with my thoughts and paper. There are a few things I would like to write, well mostly one thing I'd like to write and give to a friend. I think it would be a pretty sweet idea, but I'm not quite ready to let you in on that :]
Things at home have been great lately. I'm suprised how long things have remained so well between us. Aside from petty arguments that dont mean much, overall on a whole my relationship with my parents has done a complete switch over. I feel closer to them now than I ever have before and I think I'm finally starting to appreciate them on the level I should. Along with that, I'm finally being treated with the level of respect and responsibility I should which makes appreciating them a little bit easier ;] I started talking to Jezka again which is amazing. We had a little talk at my birthday party, although we were both incredibly intoxicated. I plan on revisiting what we talked about when were both a little more sober, and we will see how things go from there. Speaking of sober, I missed that feeling. I've managed to stay sober for the past few days which is an accomplishment for myself considering I was either drunk or high from july 16th to 2 days ago xD I thought I was on a roll, untill I went outside to play with the dog and dad called me into the shed to blaze. I ended up comming into the house around seven and flopping onto the couch and not waking up untill.. well, five this morning. Anyways, before this gets any more off topic than it already has I'm going to end this. I expect I'll be back within the next few days to ramble on some more.
Take care
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| feeling great |
[24 Jul 2007|01:35am] |
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mood |
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 satisfied |
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Its been awhile since I've updated stuff. So many things have changed in such a short period of time, im reallly enjoying the way my life has been lately. Being nineteen has been a blast so far, im on my eighth day of not being sober haha. Thats about to slow down though, I had my fun for a bit I think my body needs some time to just sit and relax.
Im so pleased with the way everythings going the past little while. I'm at a point thats just completely satisfying. I have not been this happy and optimistic about things in so long, and I feel great. I've gotten this random surge of confidence thats making life even more enjoyable aswell. I've gotten in touch with quite a few of my old friends lately, and its been a really great time. I missed these connections with people, and its so nice to have it all back. I've had some pretty great convorsations lately, and its just so awesome. Its funny how when your not looking for anything all that interesting to happen your suddenly hit with a bunch of new and exciting things. I feel at home again, like I'm where I'm supposed to be. I havent had very many meaningful friendships for the past little while, its mostly been random aquantinces who I talked to occasionally, but lately its like these people... I'm just at home, and comfortable, and not worrying. I needed this little bit of direction and stability and its doing me good I think.
Change happens so rapidly and unexpectedly, and sometime's it sucks, but when its a change like this... its just empowering, and utterly satisfying. What started out as a pretty shitty summer is evolving into something that is truely going to be a very memorable time period. As for now, I'm pretty exhausted so I think im going to bed. Transformers and hang outs tomorrow? I'm looking forward to that =) Love always, jay.
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| Today... |
[16 Jul 2007|01:06pm] |
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I just wanted to say...
<3
HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNREAL GIRL
=D
<3
Hoorah for being legal in multiple countrys^_^
I hope you have an amazing birthday hun.
Hopfully you see this!
xoxo
<3Unreal Boy
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| A time comes... |
[14 Jul 2007|10:53pm] |
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When one must get a hair cut.
So long angsty 13 year old scary boy hair.
I wonder how much we'll save on shampoo?
-ponders-
love and hugs
jay
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[28 Jun 2007|12:13pm] |
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Graduation was balls.
It was so fucking hot in there, and I looked so shit and poofy and sweaty.
By the end i just wanted to get the fuck home lol.
Afterwards was nice though.
Went and got subway with the parents.
Sat in an air conditioned car.
Just thinking about everything thats happened over the past four years. And how much im going to miss everyone, but at the same time how I wont forget a single memory I've made with them.
It was a good time.
Other things have constantly been on my mind lately. Perhaps it goes hand in hand with the whole reflecting on life deal, but sometimes I hate it. Even then, I dont know if hates the right word. I want to hate it, but I dont, so I say i do. Its confusing, and probably doesnt make very much sense, but oh well. Its hard to see the line between reminissing, and living in the past. Someday's I feel pathetically Gatsby-like. Other days its just nice to think back, and laugh at the stupid memories, and inside jokes. The way things were at certain points in your life, compared to the way they are now seems so different, at least for myself. I've never really noticed a drastic change, but when I think back its just like... amazing. Amazing, because I know as unreal as it seems, a few years from now I'll be doing the same thing, I'll be remembering the way life was now, the people I surround myself with now, the way I do things now, and whats important to me now.
I feel ready for that big change though. Although I said it normally isnt drastic, I'm looking forward to it none the less. It seems the more you anticipate something, the longer it seems to take to arrive so I guess its time to just sit back, relax, and take things as they come. I'm finally settling into the whole summer mode, and I've got a good feeling about this summer, so come on life, suprise me =)
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[23 Jun 2007|10:58pm] |
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breaking hearts
hurts
more than i remember
i hate myself today
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| LIFE |
[21 Jun 2007|03:11pm] |
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Sometimes I get into these strange moods that I can't explain. I feel totally and utterly care free and obvlious to anything that would normally matter to me. I'm not concerned about anything other than what I'm doing at that very moment. Sometimes its really insignificant things that can put me into this mood, other times its very specific. Things just start to stand out in a way they dont normally. The smell of the air is empowering, and the breeze on my neck sends chills through my entire body. The people I'm with seem more beautiful than anything I have ever seen, the tree's look so magnificant, the sky so limitless. I've never really completely understood what this feeling is all about, but when I think about it, the answer is simple. That feeling is life. Thats what this is all about. In the end, getting perfect grades, and the best clothes, and a huge house don't mean a thing. It's moments like this, when you can truely feel life pumping through your veins, when you recognize the beauty in things that you overlook everyday. Honestly realizing how precious life is, and how you have to make the best of it. Learning to accept the past, but not forget it and look forward to the future anticipating what its going to be like when you get married, when you have your first kid, when you buy your first house. Maybe that stuff seems too distant, but think about it. I can remember when dreading going to highscool, scared shitless walking up the steps for the first time thinking this is going to be the longest four years of my life. Yet here I am, at the end of the line and it feels like a no more than a weeks passed since that day. I can't help but sit here in awe because this is life. Raw, exposed, and fresh in mind.
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| Suprise =] |
[07 Jun 2007|06:31pm] |
[x] So after an eight month leave of abscence, yours truely has decided perhaps it would be a good time to return to the wonderful world of el jay =] I've missed this place quite a bit, so I better get a gigantic huge yay for comming back. =] I'm not going to sit here and attempt to recap whats occured in the last little while, becuase it just doesnt seem fesible. Let's just say a lot of stuff has changed since the last time I found it nessisary to keep track of my thoughts and daily life here, so my entrys will probably be a little different. ... I love the feeling one get's when they write these things =D
Right now I'm pretty sick. I don't know whats wrong with me but I woke up this morning and i was hacking up blood. Wonderful, I know. My whole body is sore and feels like its about to crumble into a million pieces, and it hurts to breathe. I've got a a fever and I'm fighting to stay awake, however thanks to good old school I dont have time to sleep. Speaking of school, its crazy how fast this year went by. Its a scary thought to think its all over. At least I've got the comfort of knowing I'll be back there for another semester =] Im graduating this year and everything, but I want to go back and take grade 12 art and a few other classes. Im glad that a lot of people wont be there anymore, less of a distraction and I'll be able to concentrate a little more. At the same time there's going to be a lot of people leaving whom I'll miss, but thats life right :] If our friendship was ever that meaningful, im sure it wont be that difficult to maintain some sort of contact. I dont know though. Its weird to feel like your growing up. The person I am now compared to the person I was a year ago is totally different. I'm not complaining because for the most part its been good change, just feels odd at some times i guess. Theres a big part of me thats looking forward to all the adventures that are to come, I even caught myself thinking about what life will be like in ten years. If I'll have met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, if I'll have kids, where I'll be living, how different lifes going to be. Although I'm not stupid, I know its going to get more and more difficult as time goes by, but you know what, for once in my life im okay with that fact, becuase I know, and I've experienced that things do get better, and that in the end nothing your worried about, nothing you lost sleep over, nothing that really upset you really holds much of an influence becuase life goes on, everything changes.
In about a month I'll be nineteen! Im thrilled. It sucks that there are probably about 2 people I know who are legal and actually would party with me haha. Im sure I'll meet people though, thats something I'm looking forward to. Its kind of weird to think ill almost be 20, and thats half way to 40. Haha, But meh, there's still loads of time untill then. Call me old, and I'll kill you :]
Things lately with my parents have been pretty good actually. Its been a solid month or two without our usual fall out. I'm happy with the consistency for once, and after what happened a few months ago they finally seem like they're putting forth the effort to keep things solid.
As for now though, I must end this lovely entry ;] I've got a bunch of homework happily awaiting to ruin my life. Take care and smile.
Loev always,
Jay
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[30 Apr 2007|06:58am] |
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hum...
i miss this place.
maybe i shall return?
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| Dear Livejournal |
[28 Sep 2006|09:15pm] |
Dear LiveJournal,
After many years of comfort and source of entertainment, I here by retire.
<3
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[11 Sep 2006|08:56pm] |
LMFAO
I LOVE LIFE<3<3
After eighteen years and three months of extensive research I have come the conclusion that everybody poops. If everybody poops, why is it that we get incredibly uncomfortable at the mere mention of fecal matter? I am sure as you are reading this you are thinking 'Ewww... WTF?', but stop... take a deep breathe... and think.. Did you take a poop today?
Pooping is merely an activitiy we find ourselves participating in hopfully on a regular basis. What is so gross about poop? It is a solid waste that is excreted from the anus. It is no more than the food you have digested doused in bacteria. Why is it that we can speak freely and openly about urination, but we hide in discust when it comes to our bowel movements.
Some people like to read while they are taking a poop, while others like to sit and think. Who knows, maybe Thomas Edison was sitting on the toilet when he thought of the miraculous idea of using electricity to bulb of glowing light. Is it possible that we owe the meer existance of the light we use everyday to the wonder of excretion? You bet your sphincter!
There are many debates when it comes to the subject of poop. Do you wipe sitting down, or standing up? Which way do you put the toilet paper roll on? Do you sing a song while pooping, or read a book? And the ever popular, what do I do when my poop doesnt flush the first time around? Everybody has different morals and coustom when it comes to pooping... Why should we be ashamed? Why can we not embrace the mircale known to us a poop.
How many of you have been utterely disappointed when you sat on the toilet to take a poop, but only tooted. Or when you do infact sit on the porceline princess, swear to god you pooped, but when you take a look in the bowl theres nothing to be seen. There are a variety of different poop styles, and for that I will forward you to The Poopie List: www.funnyjunk.com/pages/poopie.htm
So my friends, I encourage you to take pride in your poop. The next time the subject comes strolling along, embrace your stool! DO NOT LIVE IN FEAR! POOP IS LIFE!
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[01 Sep 2006|09:08pm] |
I got a new piercing=)
Its sweet.
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[30 Aug 2006|10:56am] |
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TIME TABLE
First Semester
First period-- Ind. & Familes in a D -- Families in a diverse society
Second Period-- Math -Grade 12. College Prep
Third Period-- Foods and Nutrition Science
Fourth Period-- Writers Craft
Second Semester
First Period-- Law
Seccond Period-- Communications
Third Period-- English
Fourth Period-- Org. Stud. - Org. Beha --- Organizational studies and Organiziational Behavior
classes together??<3
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| .... |
[28 Aug 2006|08:25pm] |
Im begining to develop an unhealthy obsession with Back To Basics...
Hurt
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back
Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
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[24 Aug 2006|03:08pm] |
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Dear life,
I have one thing to say to you....
FUCK
YOUU
Thanks.
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| [16 cigarettes left] |
[21 Aug 2006|10:41pm] |
Is it possible that there is actually a turning point in some ones life where everything falls into some sort of a unique and beautiful perspective? When finally they realize that there life has meaning, and that they are on the fast track to adulthood, and that one day everything is going to make sense, and even if you dont know exactly how or when, you just know it will. I don't know what it is, or why its happening, but theres a large part of me thats looking forward to the future and what its going to entail along the way.
School is comming up full speed, and I am not going to lie I am actually quite excited. Its the last year, and its going to be a kickass one. I've got a bunch of great classes that I'm pretty sure that I am going to enjoy. This years going to be different, seeing as I really need to buckle down now. Theres going to be no more fake sick days, even though thats going to be hard with the ability to sign myself out, homework is going to be a little more inn and late night school nights are a little more out. I'm going for 85 average, which should not be too hard considering my classes, and my marks this year. Its not that big of a stretch. SCARY THOUGHT- Having to apply to universities?! GAH! Its scary, but exciting. Although I'm still not sure exactly what I plan on doing, becuase I kind of want to take a year off after grade 12 and save up some money for tuition and possibly a small appartment, and then go on a few road trips. Who knows about that though, theres still a year of thinking to go. I'm excited to see a lot of people too, I haven't seen that many people this summer.
Then comes the next deilemma, to woork or not to work. I'd like to have a job for the money, and i could start saving for univeristy, plus finally get my liscense, pluss other expenses. But that could take away much of the homework time, and possibly eliminate the only free time I would have which would be the weekends. But I guess that is a part of growing up we all have to learn to accept sooner or later=)
I am going to attempt to quit smoking too. Seriously this time though. I light up a cigarette and put it out five seconds later. Its lost its overall appeal, of which im not so sure there ever was one to begin with. Not to mention the amount of money I could be saving by not smoking... I decided that I am going to take a nice little coffee can, tape it very much closed to the point it would be a great hassle to open, and everyday that I have money im going to put aside the ten dollars that I would have spent on cigarettes into the jarr and once the money accumulates im off to get another tattoo. And then once I get that, think of something else I want to save up for and continue. So, consider the pack I just bought my last.
Thursday is going to be a fun day, I am going to get my new contacts which are going to be green rather than blue. I am excited, although have no clue what its going to look like becuase they didnt have test pairs and I kind of just went out on a limb and ordered them. Im alsoo going to get my hair cutt and blonde-ified. Pretty excited for that.
My dear friend austin has returned from his three week long disappearance to his home planet. This arises much joy, for I missed his random input and crazy sexual talk. Its funny how you dont realize how much things mean to you untill they are gone, and when they are back its quiet nice=) We are hanging out sooon, and it is much needed. My back is rather sore;) Lmao. So, welcome back my dear austiin. I hope you are enjoying your coffee and LJ entires=P
But, I do beleive I am off to play some ps2 and enjoy the rest of my night.
<3love always,
me=)
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| [[Pina Colada And Candle Light]] |
[06 Aug 2006|02:47pm] |
[x]Update=O Aren't you just proud? You should be. Lifes been pretty busy lately, between family and babysitting.. Gah. I got payed friday though, and did a tiny bit of shopping, and then came home yesterday. Whats going on... Stuff I guess. Babysitting for the rest of the summer basically, minus a few days here and there. Going to get my G1 with my pay (finalllyyyy jesus christ) thenn once school starts up I'm going to get a job, saving up all my money, and doing god knows what with it.
[x]Went to Erica's new apartment yesterday. It's pretty damn cool. Im super happy for her, becuase she is happy. Its good, becuase she seems all grown up now. She showed me HER blender, and HER bananas, and HER fridge, and HER microwave haha. The whole night was pretty cute. Sat in her living room laying on the carpet drinking pina coladaas in the candle light haha. Just listening to music and talking. It was nice. She took out her flashlight and played cop, I got a ticket for drinking and driving? Lol Had to pay her a kiss, damn;) The music selections for the night were rather ironic. But it was cute. I liked it. Lots haha. Good talks on her balcony, and i just dont know=) haha.. Man, i dont want to update anymore becuase I was just talking to someoen and explaining everything that happened last nighta nd now i realizee i dont want to tell you=) Becuase, they are our cute moments not yours!
Haha.
But, ill tell you if you want to know;) LMAO
Gahh
So yeah
stuff
BYE
<#<#<#<3
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[01 Aug 2006|02:43am] |
So its almost three.
And i cant sleep.
Its too hot.
I cant stop thinking.
It hurts.
Somebody save me
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[30 Jul 2006|10:47pm] |
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edit: i decided i didnt like this entry anymore.
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your_darkstar's journal